saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Congratulations! We have a period
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