I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im holly from the hills drunk
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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