So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
