Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
