I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
