went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
