paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
fuck your aforementioned shoe
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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