im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
