I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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