i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
