i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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