jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?