My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice