I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
