she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
