Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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