sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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