hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
