seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
