i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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