So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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