just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
