I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby