Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.