Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved