I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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