people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
