I cut my penus on the lid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Randomize
