Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
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He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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