My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
