i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
