you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
