Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
