Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
