i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
