lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
