I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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