Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
