Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I still have a little drunk in my system
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
