im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
