I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
