a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
