Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
