guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
