apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
