Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize