She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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