So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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