i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
