I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
