You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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