I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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