two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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