why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i think my cat just said my name.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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