I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
