I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the day after is always just damage control
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
