next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
