the day after is always just damage control
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
