Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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