so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
