I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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