My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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