It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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