Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
