So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
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The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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