dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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