I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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