The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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